well first off i'd like to write how completely petrified i am to now be considering myself as going on a mission. don't get me wrong i'm psyched but also i think the thought of the mission is so real and there is no pretense of this fun or anything that it sorta makes me sick to my stomach and i haven't even filled out my name on mission papers yet.
I just had my first interview with my YSA Bishop Bay, and everything went well. I came home - actually while walking home I called mom. She answered and laughed but congratulated me on completing my first step in the mission direction. I don't yet know why but I really didn't like being congratulated. I think I am sorta anti some aspect of the whole mission process and I think part of me is just excited to get out there ANYWHERE away from the madness of peer pressure and status of the different calls people receive. I could be going anywhere from Provo, Utah to Cambodia - and I've heard of both. It stresses me out to think of how other people will react to my call, which is one of the stupidest things ever. My decision to go on a mission should be completely separate from the location that I am called to and yet here I am worrying about the nothings of my assignment. I went to three mission call openings tonight - two of them were going to the exact same mission in New Jersey and the other was called to Rome, Italy. Those are some serious cultural differences but I know that both would bring amazing learning and growing opportunities. Is that bad, a lot of my reasoning for wanting to serve a mission is simply to grow? Anyway, the fear of the mission is already so real for me, I don't know how I'm going to feel when it gets closer to my actual call. Part of me wants to call off the whole thing already. Right now. I know that's awful but the anxiety has already set in. I really am looking forward to the preparation for my mission and the spiritual experiences that I know will come my way just from studying the scriptures from a new lens of missionary eyes. I wish my parents were here. I haven't even opened my call and I am already crying out for their physical support and presence...pathetic. I just have to rely on Heavenly Father. I know that through him everything will be okay.
